Seeking Balance with a Needy Toddler

It is so hard to cut through the incessant chattering of my thoughts and plans. I am at that point in my life, where I am realizing I just can’t do it all in this lifetime; read all of the books, get all of the training I’d like, work in all of the careers I’ve daydreamed about etc. Part of what is going on is that I feel ever eager for my “encore” career. For the past few months I’ve been struggling with a balance between time spent teaching (and practicing) yoga and time spent writing. The two activities would work nicely together if 95% of my time weren’t already going towards my role as “mom,” particularly with a two year old with special needs. I mean, just getting him to school and therapy takes a whole lot of time and then to do everything at home that the therapists want us to do, well it just really becomes overwhelming at times. And then just managing the daily ups and downs (in other words, constant fits) and negotiations required for a child with SPD, well sometimes you feel you are ridiculous to even think that you should get to accomplish something of “your own” in the mix. Yesterday, I was trying to just “be” here, in this place with Josh. I do recognize that it is far easier to be here, accepting my 95% role right now, not even trying to write until a few small acts of independence emerge for Josh (like weaning and independent sleeping). I was doing pretty well with the “being where I was” yesterday. But now I am here, and here, I am discontent once again and chomping at the bit to feel like I am somehow being “productive member of society” — you know, the kind of person with a nice pat answer about what they “do” at a cocktail party. Like I used to be able to say, I am a “publisher.” That was so easy. With that answer, no one questioned that I was indeed “doing” something. Not that I am attending too many cocktail parties lately. If I were able to attend more cocktail parties, then this itself would be indicative that I finally had more time to do “me” things. And I realize this post sort of sounds selfish. It’s just where I am today. Anyone out there have any tips for me on how they found balance with a very demanding two year old who also has a very demanding schedule (it’s not like we are even at home very often during the week)?

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1 comment
  1. I could have written this post, almost word for word, with very little revision. My son, who has multiple ongoing issues and weekly appointments, is almost 4 1/2 years old now. Have I discovered the secret path to selfishness? It’s elusive, but I’ll continue to search. In the meantime, things are constantly evolving. Sometimes the pace of life is frenetic and I want to run away, but when I realize that I would take my son with me, I know that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I’ll qualify this by telling you that I’ve been feeling better recently, but for the last six months or so, my thought loop was, “How can I get away from him?” I was constantly handing him over to my husband or our respite care worker, just to spend time alone in the same house. The responsibility of his future was too overwhelming for me to consider and I needed to physically separate myself from him in order to practice breathing. Because I know that I need to take care of myself first. Now I’ve made the decision to get back in the game and work harder than ever for him, and I hope it lasts.

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