Somewhere in the middle of the night last night (yes, yet another difficult one with Josh), I realized that I had engaged in the cardinal sin of negative self-talk; that is, comparing current difficult situation to difficult situation in past and telling yourself that it is even harder now than it was in the past. Basically, longing for Egypt when you’ve been freed from slavery but are yet wandering around in the wilderness wondering where you’ll end up next. And let me just be honest with myself and with everyone else that read my post yesterday:
NO, I WOULD NOT RATHER HAVE A NEWBORN NOW. NO, HAVING A NEWBORN WOULD NOT SOMEHOW BE EASIER (especially since I know now that one in every 85 males born will be diagnosed with Autism–and the distance between the 1 and the 85 seems to be shrinking each year. I didn’t know these frightening statistics three years ago. I would just be worrying like crazy. Even more than I worry now that Josh has been diagnosed with SPD). And I don’t want to return to those bleary-eyed days of watching mindless TV while nursing child nearly 24/7. Okay, I may be in a wilderness of sorts. But it is definitely better here than there. Woo hoo. I’ve made it to 2.5 years and maybe in 2.5 more years, Josh will sleep through the night (I’d have hoped for this sooner, but Leah and Michelle are helping to keep my expectations low in this area–thank you to Nolan and X).