I have a heavy heart tonight. We received some not so great news today about Josh’s right ear (surgery ear). I am waiting to say any more until we see his ENT next week–it was supposed to be our final post-op and assessment of the success of his surgery. But now, I am just hoping that we aren’t facing worst case scenario. Please pray for Josh’s right ear. And for Chris and I, his parents who are stuck in a “why did we do this” hole that we just can’t seem to climb out of. I read a quote yesterday about not looking back, not looking forward, but looking around with awareness. It is just so hard to do in times like this but as I was driving down the highway, 94 West, tonight and trying to look back over my shoulder at a potential accident on 94 east, oncoming traffic. I thought, “Stop it! You are jeopardizing your own driving by looking back over your shoulder.” And then I thought about how we do that in life too. I can’t keep looking back and wishing we’d made a different decision. Because we didn’t and it is depleting my mental energies from being here, in this moment, where I am needed. Likewise, looking ahead on the highway (at least when stuck in traffic and not knowing why), trying to figure out if there is an accident ahead, also only jeapordizes one’s driving, and never ever delivers any information about what’s to come. We are not meant to see what’s ahead. So, the other challenge is to get away from all the fear and “what if’s” about Josh’s hearing future. And surgery future. And pain potential future.
Be here now. Heavy heart and all. I will give myself to this moment. And the heavy heart. We cannot continue to live in this little shell that we’ve existed in over the past 12 weeks. A state of constant regret and fear. No, it will not do for us or for Josh. Josh deserves our fullest hopes our deepest faith our most abiding love. And who can appropriately love when they are busy flogging themselves?