“Embrace the maximally postponed decision” is a philosophy I’ve embraced ever since I read about it in a book about trying to buy/build a 1000 square foot house for under 100,000 dollars. As an aside, since my twenties, I’ve been intrigued by the concept of living in a very small, but well-built house. I still plan on embracing the small-house movement, but it continues to remain not appropriate for the number of people that I have floating in and out of my life. Fortunately, Chris shares my fascination and maybe someday, we’ll live in an airstream.
Anyway, back to the decision. Ever since Josh’s right ear (situs of Tympanoplasty and Ossiculopasty in May, 2012) started to drain late last year, and our ENT told us it was time to either have a CT scan or an MRI, I have engaged in extensive research, as well as entertained an internal dialogue, debating the pros and cons of each. Josh was originally scheduled for a CT scan in January, but I talked to our ENT and asked if we couldn’t just “watch” for a few months to see what happens. He agreed. We were going to make a decision in March, but our ENT appointment was rescheduled twice and we didn’t end up seeing our ENT again until April 3rd. In the meantime, our ENT seemed to have changed his own view on the matter, now favoring a newer type of MRI to look for cholesteatoma in Josh’s right ear over a CT scan. At the same time, our new pediatrician called the radiology department for me and concluded that a CT scan (it would be Josh’s 2nd CT), even with the high radiation, would be better for Josh than trying an awake (without sedation) MRI for Josh. In all truth, I think I was hoping that somehow neither would be necessary, if we postponed the decision long enough.
To monitor Josh’s ear, we’ve been seeing our audiologist every six weeks throughout this time and, unfortunately, from February 9 to April 17, she’s noted a 15 decibel loss across the frequencies for Josh (so he is now at 30 decibels–but likely still falling) This is a very significant loss and it’s definitely hurt him at school. In particular, he cannot understand the kids on the playground and he always feels left out (his words for this are “no one tells me what they are playing anymore”–very typical situation for Hard of Hearing kiddos). Josh has had more than his fair share of tears over the past month that I believe have their origin in the social isolation he is feeling (also, I think he is grieving this loss, without really understanding what is happening). In the meantime, the hearing loss in Josh’s left ear has been getting progressively worse and we thought it was supposed to remain stable because it is conductive loss. Needless to say, we would be aiding Josh in the right ear again if it were possible but there is too much drainage for an aid right now. On April 3rd, our ENT and I agreed to first try Josh with an awake MRI to see if he could handle it. Most people I’ve talked to since have told me they don’t believe a four year old could handle an awake MRI. The thing with Josh is that he is super amazing about some medical procedures but has a terrible time with others. For instance, he’ll sit perfectly still to get his ears cleaned out under a microscope, even with a vacuum suction, but he freaked out completely when given his sweat test for cystic fibrosis earlier this year (and we were told by the lab tech that it would be painless).
With our MRI scheduled for April 28th, I continued to debate whether I shouldn’t just change over to a CT scan to avoid all of the anxiety the MRI might entail. I’ve been working through Mark Nepo’s The Book of Awakening this year. I happened across a daily entry this past week that had to do with making a major decision. Nepo says that if you are having trouble making a decision, look what is under that decision. Yep. I did this and realized that I am trying to make the perfect decision in this case because I feel like I so failed Josh in a medical decision two years back (see this blog entry for further details). Because of this decision, I think I’ve decided that going forward, I owe Josh the most well-researched, well-reasoned decision. Always.
As the debate waged on in my head, something happened. On Wednesday, Josh told Chris he heard a “whooshing” sound (he described it sort of like a whirring fan or static on a radio) in his right (surgery) ear. It was really bothering him to the point that he was hitting his ear. While the ENT’s office was about to close for the day, I miraculously got a hold of our ENT’s head nurse (I think I’ve learned to work the system a little bit). She told me nothing could be done but to have our audiologist look in the ear the following day (J. had an appointment already scheduled) and call to tell them what our audiologist saw. She also suggested trying to move up the MRI. Thankfully, the whooshing noise stopped before Josh went to bed that night.
The next morning, I got on the phone with radiology and they moved up Josh’s MRI for Monday, April 21st at 8 am. Since time is of the essence here, it was decided to also schedule a CT scan for 9:30 am, in case the MRI without sedation doesn’t work for Josh (it would take a week or two longer to get a sedated MRI scheduled). So, there you have it. Done. The decision will really be made for us by how Josh does on Monday morning.
When our audiologist looked in Josh’s ear with her otoscope she was pretty sure she was seeing his entire middle ear; meaning perhaps a total failure of the tympanoplasty (reconstructed ear drum–where did you go?). She let me have a look and yes, I am seeing a completely different ear than I was a few months back too. I am not sure if the tympanoplasty “blew” last week when Josh heard the whooshing noise. I called our ENT’s office from our audiologist’s office and they put Josh on our ENT’s appointment for Tuesday the 22nd at 9 am. So we should be learning more soon. At this point, I recognize our desperate need for information as to what is going on in Josh’s ear and so I welcome whichever test works for Josh on Monday. It is a bit of a relief to know that one of these tests has to be done and the decision has all but essentially been removed from my plate. And all that wasted time spent worrying . . . although I do not regret the time spent researching this issue. Still, it is good to know that sometimes, the answers just come and no amount of forcing will get us there sooner than we are supposed to arrive.
Sometimes the decision maximally postponed gets made for you. In a way, it is a weight off of my chest. Crazy as that sounds.